The banality of a rape

The banality of a rape: It’s a myth that perpetrators are psychopaths, not ‘normal’ guys:

That a rape always consists in the brutal assault of a young innocent virgin by a strong heavily-armed psychopath is a widespread myth. This myth is not only false, but harmful. The very large majority of rapes are indeed perpetrated by someone with whom the victim has already got acquainted, and don’t occur in a dark alley as we could expect. Rapes are not as exceptional as this myth implies. Actually, this misconception often prevents us from identifying a situation as a rape and from helping the victim accordingly.

That night, my girlfriend E went to a nightclub with some of her friends, mostly foreigners as herself. It was a fun evening; dancing, laughing, being exhilarated by the music and the atmosphere, talking to new people. There was this guy, F. He pretended to be a model from Turkey, something that later turned out to be false. He was very flirtatious, but nice. E made it clear from the beginning that she was committed in a relationship and not interested in anything else but friendship. He seemed to accept it, and E couldn’t imagine that he wouldn’t respect her and her desires.

E and one of her friends got in a taxi with F while her two other friends were in a different car with F’s friends. After a long ride, the cars stopped in front of a house instead of a bar. While entering the apartment, E asked her friends not to leave her alone with him. But they didn’t react when F dragged her inside a bedroom pretending it was “just to talk”, and discreetly locked the door behind him.

Our society paradoxically considers rape as a horrible crime but often labels it as “normal” when it happens for real. When they are told about rape, most people minimise the story and say that it doesn’t count, that it was not really a rape.

When E told her friends about what had just happened, one of them answered that it was “normal” when people get drunk. But no, it’s not! It is not because the night was enshrouded in a cloud of glitter, laughs and alcohol that it is not a rape. It is not because E had been enthusiastically dancing in the nightclub that it was not a rape. It is not because she may have been inconsequentially flirting that it was not a rape. Sex without consent is always a rape.

Another friend of hers told her that is was her fault, that anyone could have stopped it. A rape is not the victim’s fault, it is the deliberate action of a criminal. Blaming the victim is an easy way to feel safe: by believing that E was responsible for the rape, her friend felt more confident that she wouldn’t put herself in a similar situation. But although reassuring, this thought is a lie: a rape can happen to anyone, and in the most unexpected circumstances. In the case of E’s friends, minimising the event and putting the blame on her was probably also a way to avoid their own responsibility and their own guilt: they were there, and they didn’t do anything.

A rape is not just a bad experience, it is a criminal offence. No rape should go unreported. As long as rapes are not reported and not fairly dealt with by the authorities, rapists will have a sense of impunity. I suggested E to report the rape to the police. Reporting the rape was a painful process in itself. Beyond narrating the events again and again and going through various medical check-ups, E had to confront with her memories: going back to the apartment was particularly painful, as it crudely reminded her of some of the appalling details of the rape. Nevertheless, having reported the rape will surely make her stronger to cope with its insidious consequences on her self-image.

In front of her determination, her friends had to realise that what had happened was indeed a rape, and they stopped being in denial. Reporting the rape thus also changed their attitude and they became more supportive. Through the police, the whole society had to give some credit to her testimony. The care and understanding that she got at the police station surely helped her a lot. The police was indeed exemplary, which was a much welcomed relief.

When they learnt that E was going to report the rape to the police, F’s male acquaintances seemed to think that F didn’t deserve to be punished by law. At times, it even seemed that it was F who was the victim for them. The victim of E’s determination to obtain justice.

F probably thinks that it wasn’t a rape because he is a normal guy, a nice guy even, not a psychopath. This might be the most destabilising thing about rapes: most of them are not perpetrated by psychopaths. They are perpetrated by “normal” guys.

E’s rapist is out on bail awaiting the court’s decision, which will take months or even years. He doesn’t seem to understand the wrong he did, and neither do his friends and family. While E has been affected forever by his deeds and might be unable to move on until justice is done, he might just be light-heartedly dancing with other girls at the moment. As long as society doesn’t fully acknowledge what rapes are and doesn’t abandon the comforting and blinding myths associated to them, such events will continue to happen and rapists will continue to have a feeling of impunity. E’s rape was just a banal rape, as many others: the problem is far from being solved. Let’s hope the Indian justice system will show the way.