1. I bathe other people more than I bathe myself

For every shower the father has, the child has about three baths. Kids just seem to get dirty quicker than adults – also, there is barely any free time for the father to wash himself. Even if he is really, really sweaty. Which he is.

2. I regularly stay up late –but I’m not drinking

Most first-time fathers are awake throughout the night, but there isn’t any drinking or partying going on. Just refilling bottles, telling nonsensical stories, and rocking. Lots and lots of rocking.

3. I have a human alarm clock now

A father doesn’t really have any use for an actual alarm clock. He has a human alarm clock that seemingly never runs out of charge – and this alarm clock chooses when it wakes you up; you have no say whatsoever.

4. I’ve learnt that ‘again’ doesn’t mean one more go

If you’re pushing your child on the swing and they say “again, daddy” they don’t mean one more time. They actually mean “keep pushing me until your arms are so weak you no longer physically can push me. And even then, don’t stop.”

5. I have been hit more times since my child has been born than I’ve ever been hit in my life

A father encounters more kicks, punches and elbows than any man without a child. Thankfully, kids aren’t that strong – although their elbows can be pretty sharp.

6. I’ve realized I’m pretty stylish

Mothers aren’t the only ones who can put their kids in a great outfit – fathers do a pretty stylish job too. From accessorizing to hairstyles, fathers get pretty awesome at putting together a cute outfit.

7. I now censor myself

You have to get pretty creative when it comes to swearing in front of your kids. ‘Mother fudge’ and ‘sugar’ are great words to use if you’ve just stubbed your toe in front of your innocent child.

8. I spend a lot of time in shops I’ve never been in before

The Disney store, the Hello Kitty store, the Build-A-Bear shop; these hellish places bring infinite joy to a child, so fathers are willing to suck up their feelings and go inside to put a smile on their child’s face.

9. I’m used to someone watching me go to the toilet

Not only are fathers used to their children talking to them while they go to the toilet, they are actually okay with it. It may seem weird, but it is better than your child getting up to some mischief while you can’t see them.

10. If I’m watching TV, it’s probably children’s TV

A father goes from watching adult TV shows to pretty much only children’s TV shows. In fact, many dads secretly love a bit of Frozen and care about the well-being of these beloved characters.

11. I laugh when my friends compare babysitting to parenting

Babysitting is nothing like parenting because babysitting only lasts a few hours. Comparatively, a parent has committed to at least two decades of babysitting – without pay.

12. I avoid wearing white around my children

A father is truly used to being a dad when he starts to avoid wearing white. He understands anything white will have sauce/crayon/vomit on it within one hour of wearing it.

13. I find reading to my children legitimately entertaining

Children’s books are actually pretty interesting. After reading the same book over and over again, you really perfect the individual voices of each character.

14. I use nicknames in public

Many men without children hate the idea of using pet names in public. However, a father loves to embarrass his child by calling them ‘princess’ or ‘angel face’ in public.

15. I realized I have the best job ever

The late nights, early mornings and children’s TV shows are all worth it in the end; you are looking after a perfect person who loves you more than anything else in the world – you honestly feel blessed to have your child in your life.