How to Be Lovable

Making yourself open to other people, learning to be vulnerable, and validating yourself rather than seeking validation are all key components to drawing the love of other people. This is not something that's going to happen overnight, but the more you practice accepting and loving yourself and loving other people, the more people are likely to love you!

Part One of Three:
Learning to Love Yourself

1
Understand that you determine how other people will see you. If you see yourself as ultimately unlovable that's going to influence people into thinking that you're unlovable. It's important, first and foremost, to see yourself as lovable, because you are lovable.
- Expecting people to find you lovable if you don't find yourself lovable is putting way too much pressure on other people. It also takes the control out of your hands and puts it into the hands of other people, who may or may not be good enough for that.
- Because you determine how you see yourself, if you act with confidence in your own lovableness, other people are more likely to see that and respond to that, even if they are only doing so subconsciously.
2
Be compassionate with your feelings.The more you tell yourself that you're wrong for having those feelings, the more you try to suppress your feelings, or change them, you're going to make yourself feel rejected and abandoned. That's not a kind way to treat yourself.^[1]
- Pay attention to how you feel. If you feel down about something, ask yourself why you feel that way? What caused it? Is it related to something bigger than just one specific incident?
- Emotions alert you to the fact that something could be wrong. For example, if you're feeling upset about something, it acts in a similar way to physical pain. It's telling you that something is wrong (a situation is unhealthy for you, a person is not healthy for you, the way you've been treating yourself is unhealthy, and so on).
3
Learn to recognize the negative things you tell yourself. Everyone has an inner critic that tells them all the awful and bad things they're doing. You can never fully get rid of that inner critic, but you can help shed light on those negative thoughts, giving them less power to control you.
- Consider why you feel like you're not lovable. Is it because someone recently broke up with you? Is it because you tell yourself that you're ugly, or that your personality is too weird?
- Pay attention to these thought processes. When you do find that you're having a negative thought about yourself, acknowledge that you're having a negative thought, and replace it with a positive or neutral thought.
4
Validate yourself instead of seeking validation. Putting the pressure on other people to validate you and make you feel good about yourself puts you in a completely powerless situation. Instead of looking for other people to validate you, practice validating yourself.^[2]
- Set up a gratitude journal that is focused on the things you appreciate about yourself. Record at least three things every day that you're grateful for about yourself.
- Before you come to someone with a painful story that requires validation, give yourself the validation that you need. This doesn't mean that you stop reaching and connecting with others, it means that you are first off there for yourself.
- Ask yourself what sort of validation you need right now. Ask yourself what will make you feel better, feel more balanced, healthier, and then give that validation to yourself.
5
Avoid taking yourself too seriously.It's hard to deal with life when every single thing that happens makes you feel the weight of the world. If you have a tendency to talk too much with a person that you're romantically into, don't get down on yourself about it. Instead make a joke out of the situation.^[3]
- Things like being a little clumsy, doing something horrifically embarrassing can be a chance to laugh at yourself (kindly).
6
Let yourself be imperfect. At no point in life are you going to be perfect. That's okay! No one else is either. If you're thinking that you have to be perfect to be lovable, cease that thinking right now.^[4]
- You deserve love no matter how imperfect you are, no matter if your hair has a tendency to frizz at the slightest hint of moisture, or if you have a goofy laugh, or braces. None of those things makes you the slightest bit less lovable.
- Also, when you create the expectations of perfection for yourself, you tend to begin applying those expectations to other people, to relationships. It's hard to love someone who is constantly making you feel like you aren't good enough (and that includes you making yourself feel like you aren't good enough).
7
Enjoy your life. People tend to be drawn to those who are happier and are having more fun with their life. Instead of trying to make yourself or your life "perfect," start to enjoy the things that are already in it.
- Being lovable is about being open and when you're open to the vagaries of life you're going to be happier than if you shut yourself off or focus completely on trying to make things better.
- Try to find ways to enjoy your job. If it isn't a job that you specifically enjoy, then do your best to build fun things into your workday so that you don't feel so down about it. Make yourself a delicious lunch that you can look forward to, go for a walk in the sun on your break.
- Spend time with your friends. You don't have to do anything particularly exciting, but just hanging out and drinking tea together can rejuvenate you and make you feel happier about yourself and your life.
8
Learn to be alone. No one is guaranteed a relationship and that's okay, because you don't need a relationship to be happy. Being lovable is all about being okay on your own, loving yourself so that you don't depend on other people to do so.
- Have dates with yourself. Take yourself out for a picnic with a lovely book, or treat yourself to a fancy dinner.