Cultivating lovable tendencies

How to be a lovable person:

Part Two of Three:
Cultivating Lovable Tendencies

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   Avoid walling yourself off from love. It can be really easy to wall yourself off from loving other people, especially if you've been hurt in romance or friendships in the past. Being open tends to cause people to be drawn to you.^[5]

   • The more you love people, the more love you’ll attract to yourself. This doesn't mean that you need to love every single person you come across, but it means not shutting yourself down even after experiencing a difficult romantic or friendship betrayal.
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   Choose who you love carefully. While you don't want to shut yourself off from love, you should be careful about who you love. Lovability doesn't just come about because you make yourself lovable. It comes about because you pick the people who can love you best.

   • Look for people who can be intimate with you, people who can open up and show the vulnerable parts of themselves. People who can share themselves in intimate (this does not necessarily mean sexual) ways are people who can care deeply about you.
   • Keep people who make you feel like the very best version of yourself. If someone consistently talks down to you, or talks over you, or encourages you in things that aren't healthy, you shouldn't keep that person around. Now if someone listens to you, supports you when you're feeling run down, and encourages the best sides of you, that's a keeper.
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   Set boundaries. It may seem counter-intuitive to create boundaries when you're talking about love, but it's incredibly important. You need to be clear about what you need from a relationship with someone, and you need to be clear about your own needs.

   • Put your own needs on the same level as other people's. Your needs aren't more important than theirs but you shouldn't feel like your needs are less important than the people around you.
   • If someone cannot give you the emotional support and love that you need, then you have every right not to make them a close, particular friend or lover. Not everyone is going to give you love and you're allowed to need that in a relationship.
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   Learn to express your need for love in a positive way. Everyone needs love, everyone. Some people might pretend that they don't, it's simply a pretense. Because of this you need to learn to express your need for love in a way that isn't needy, or whiny, or demanding, or controlling.

   • Do your best to make the life of the person you are loving life just a little bit easier. Offer them help or a little gift without expecting anything in return.
   • Tell people that you love them freely and without expecting anything in return (if they aren't giving you any reciprocity then they aren't worth your time).
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   Practice kindness towards others.You shouldn't just practice kindness towards people you hope will love you. Make kindness your default way of dealing with everyone, including people who are difficult. Kindness isn't rolling over and taking everyone's ridiculousness, but it does mean that you see people as human beings and worthy of kindness and empathy.

   • Practice the “Loving Kindness” meditation. Sit with your eyes close and imagine what you'd wish for your life. Pick three or four phrases to demonstrate your desires (May I be healthy and strong. May I be lovable. May I be happy.). You will repeat these desires, directing them at different people. Start with yourself, move on to someone who has helped you, move on to someone that you feel neutral towards (neither like nor dislike), move on to someone you dislike or have issues with, finish by focusing on everyone.^[6]
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   Take loving action for other people.Being lovable means being kind and one aspect of kindness is helping other people. You can help someone by holding a door for them, offering to carry their groceries, driving your grandmother to a doctor's appointment.

   • It also includes speaking out against unkindness. When you see that someone is being bullied, or talked down to, or treated poorly, take action. Step in and explain to the bully why their behavior is inappropriate.
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   Cultivate gratitude. Being appreciative of the world can open you up in more positive ways than if you shut yourself down. This is especially true when you’re feeling less than happy with yourself or with the world. People are more attracted to people who are positive in their habits.

   • Focus on the small things in life. Be grateful for the little things like getting a parking space, and having a few moments to yourself in the morning while you finish your tea. This will help you feel more positive about yourself and appreciative of the world around you.
   • Challenge yourself to come up with three things you’re grateful for every single day. If the sun was shining, write that down, if you had a delicious meal with a favorite friend, that's something to be grateful for!